Superhuman Gay Parents! Or: The Problem With "Two Lesbians Raised a Baby and This Is What They Got"

By K.M. Zwick 

See this video for reference, in which 19 year-old "sixth generation Iowan" Zach Wahls describes his awesome life as a son raised by two married lesbian parents in a speech promoting gay marriage.

I have no problem with Mr. Wahls' message. In fact, I applaud it and him, as well as his parents and their whole family. What he had to say moved me to tears.

The video has gone viral, is now featured on MoveOn.org's website, and I've seen it posted no less than 22 times in my Facebook news feed.

My problem is not with the video itself, but rather with the possible meaning behind its wild popularity.

On the one hand, we need white men to say things like this because we live in a country that listens to white men and is predominantly run by white men. We need white men to be allies to minorities of all kinds. And I'm glad this man is an ally.

On the other hand, it is ALSO normal (normative; ok; acceptable) for there to be kids who were raised by gay people and are not white and do not have such a platform from which to speak; it is normal for there to be folks who were raised by gay people and turned out just as dysfunctional as other folks raised by straight people; it is normal for there to be kids who were raised by gay couples who got divorced; it is normal for kids to be raised by gay people and not excel on the ACT or become an Eagle Scout or a motivational speaker in a suit; it is normal for kids to be raised by gay people and be gay or straight or trans or bi or otherly queer themselves; it is normal for kids to be raised by gay people and hate their parents just as much as so many kids raised by straight people hate their parents; it is normal for kids raised by gay people to struggle with poverty, addiction, family quarrels, oppression, live with excellence, wealth, getting along, live in urban or rural settings, deal with discrimination or less discrimination, speak English or not English or be multi-lingual.

In short, let this young man - inspiring though he is - not be considered a poster child for gay marriage and the rearing of children by gay couples. To say, "Oh, phew, it's ok for gays to marry and raise children because they can turn out like this" denies the basic human reality that gay people are just like straight people. Gay people will raise all kinds of children, not just clean-cut white male do-gooders like this lovely young man.

And that is their right. Just like it is my right, as a straight person, to raise a child and do the best I can, knowing I may unintentionally totally mess up all along the way. My parents messed up. And all of them (six in total over my lifetime, including all my stepparents), identify as straight. They also were all doing the best they could do.

No one would look at me or my would-be potentially messed up child of the future and say, "She's messed up because her mom was straight."

So, yes, bravo,  this video definitely hit me on an emotional level; Wahls is a great speaker and what he is saying is true. "Family values" do not simply belong to the heteronormative right wingers; they belong to anyone who believes family is important and invests in that importance. I teared up and got goose bumps watching this video, like so many others who have helped it go viral.

But let's remember that gay people - just like straight people - have a right to the freedom to be HUMANS as parents, not superhumans who are required to churn out model citizens - according to hegemonic norms - to therefore prove gay people should be allowed to participate in all the myriad activities related to family that straights are allowed to participate in. Gay couples should have the right to marry and raise children because they want to. Not because they have to prove they "deserve to" based on impossibly high (double) standards that deny the reality that gay people are just people. As just people (just like me), they should have all the rights I, as a straight person, have. Those "rights" include marrying, if I want to, and having children with my spouse if I want to; as well as the  broader "right," which is more human than legal, to be an imperfect person and/or parent who will unwittingly make mistakes or fall into hardship or find myself getting a divorce, or not, or remarrying, or not, or being a good enough parent or a great parent, or (hopefully not) not, because, hey, that's what people, gay or straight, do. Live, as humans, doing the best we can.

We all live in glass houses. No one should be throwing stones. Even at the non-sixth-generation-Iowan non-white non-male non-Eagle Scout non-excelling offspring of gay parents.